Move over, Kim K. Clear the way, Lisa Vanderpump.

There’s a new kid in the reality TV game. And you’ll never match his drama.

It wasn’t only boot-licking media reporters clamoring for their shot of the First Son, when he staged a news conference on the steps of the Capitol Building last month to decry the Republican impeachment probe into his father.

There was also a documentary film crew in the crowd. That’s right. Hunter and his mercurial, bong-smoking, sugar brother/attorney Kevin Morris have apparently hatched the brilliant plan of chronicling his antics over the past several years.

What on earth could possibly go wrong?

Well, I have a few ideas.

Picture this: Derelict Sons Of DC, starring Hunter Biden, Sleepy Joe’s special little guy.

It wasn't only boot-licking media reporters clamoring for their shot of the First Son, when he staged a news conference on the steps of the Capitol Building last month to decry the Republican impeachment probe into his father. (Above) Hunter Biden speaks to media on Capitol Hill on December 12, 2023.  Lawyer Kevin Morris is seen third from left.

It wasn't only boot-licking media reporters clamoring for their shot of the First Son, when he staged a news conference on the steps of the Capitol Building last month to decry the Republican impeachment probe into his father. (Above) Hunter Biden speaks to media on Capitol Hill on December 12, 2023.  Lawyer Kevin Morris is seen third from left.

 It wasn’t only boot-licking media reporters clamoring for their shot of the First Son, when he staged a news conference on the steps of the Capitol Building last month to decry the Republican impeachment probe into his father. (Above) Hunter Biden speaks to media on Capitol Hill on December 12, 2023.  Lawyer Kevin Morris is seen third from left.

Hunter and his mercurial, bong-smoking, sugar brother/attorney Kevin Morris (above) have apparently hatched the brilliant plan of chronicling his antics over the past several years.

Hunter and his mercurial, bong-smoking, sugar brother/attorney Kevin Morris (above) have apparently hatched the brilliant plan of chronicling his antics over the past several years.

Hunter and his mercurial, bong-smoking, sugar brother/attorney Kevin Morris (above) have apparently hatched the brilliant plan of chronicling his antics over the past several years.

PILOT EPISODE: SUBPOENIS ENVY

[December 13, 2023: Capitol Hill]

Hunter shifts nervously in the backseat of a Secret Service SUV.

‘Is this really a good idea Abbe? Does Dad know I’m doing this??’

His latest defender, infamous lawyer Abbe Lowell looks up from his iPhone. Senator Bob ‘Gold Bar’ Menendez will have to wait.

‘Yeah kid, the White House is familiar with this,’ says Lowell, annoyed but confidently relaxed as his retainer has been paid in full by Kevin Morris, who is sitting next to him smelling like graham crackers and Martha Stewart weed gummies.

‘You’re not defying a congressional subpoena per se… you’re just… uhh… don’t worry, Kevin will bail you out.’

‘But I’m the victim, right bro?’ Hunter asks weakly. ‘I didn’t make millions selling access to my dad to Ukrainian oligarchs and Chinese Communist party bigwigs, did I?’

‘I’m pretty sure you did,’ says Lowell, ‘but that’s beside the point.’

‘H-Bomb, you’re the dude, chillax,’ intones Morris. ‘Here’s a few hundos to calm down. I’ve already bought 17 of your paintings because you are a brilliant artist, man.’

(Above) Hunter and lawyer Abbe Lowell arrive on Capitol Hill to speak to the media after defying Congressional subpoena

(Above) Hunter and lawyer Abbe Lowell arrive on Capitol Hill to speak to the media after defying Congressional subpoena

(Above) Hunter and lawyer Abbe Lowell arrive on Capitol Hill to speak to the media after defying Congressional subpoena

Rumpled hobo impersonator and Hunter’s bestest friend/confidante/ATM always knows how to soothe his little buddy’s hurt feelings.

‘Thanks Kev. You’re the best sponsor a guy could have,’ sniffles Hunter. ‘Better than Nabisco! By the way, are you stoned?’

‘No, man. I’m California sober!’

Needing a little more reassurance, Hunter plays Dial-A-Dad to see if he can get the Big Guy on speakerphone.

‘Are you there Daddy? It’s me, Hunter!’

‘That’s my boy! Are we on speaker?’ booms the commander-in-chief. ‘I love Chinese energy!’

‘It’s ok, Dad, I’m with my lawyers,’ says Hunter. ‘We don’t have to grease those wheels right now. I just need to know you’re ok with me giving an impromptu yet totally coordinated press conference in the Capitol parking lot.’

‘What’s that?! JFK’s been shot???’

‘No Daddy, you’re the President. Everything’s fine. I’ll come over later for ice cream. Don’t watch the news.’

‘You hate Jews?’

Click.

Hunter lays his head in Kevin’s lap and waxes more sweet nonsense.

‘I just want to do my finger painting in Malibu and sell my canvases to all of Daddy’s anonymous friends,’ he cries. ‘I miss the simpler days when I could ring up a call girl, take naked selfies all day, and not worry about having to fly private to a family court date.’

Abbe sighs loudly. ‘Hunter, no one will BUY your ‘artwork’ if Daddy isn’t President in 2024, m’kay? So, get out of the car and deliver your lines, like we practiced.’

Hunter bounds out of the car, marches to the podium and declares, ‘It’s all Russian disinformation!’

Lowell stomps on his foot.

‘Ow Abbe, what’d you do that for?’ complains Hunter.

‘It’s all those MAGA REPUBLICANS,’ Lowell reminds him. Only his exorbitant hourly fee eases the sting of representing this colossal jackass.

Hunter is shoved back into the SUV, and asks, ‘How’d I do, guys?’

Abbe: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Kevin: ‘It was brilliant! This show sells itself. Man, I’m gonna get higher than Willie Nelson on Snoop Dogg’s tour bus.’

CUT!

That’s reality TV gold and just a taste of the bumbling hilarity that is the First Family. 

Take a trip with me down memory lane on Keeping Up With The Bidens….

TWO AIRHEADS ON AIR FORCE ONE

[April 2023: Somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean en route to Ireland]

Hunter stumbles out of the lavatory of Air Force One – sweating profusely. ‘Daddy, thanks for letting me come to China with you! Will you meet my new bank friends?’

President Joe Biden is pouring over old Peanuts comics. ‘Hunter, we’re not going to Beijing. That’s when I was Vice President. And what the heck were you doing in the bathroom?’

Hunter hurriedly clears his iPhone browser. ‘Was my mic on?’ he whispers to the film crew.

‘Oh yeah,’ Hunter recalls. ‘That nice Chinese businessman gave me an $80,000 diamond. Whatever happened to him?’

‘He’s in a Chinese prison,’ offers one of the president’s aides.

(Above) President Joe Biden departs Dublin Airport on Air Force One with his sister Valerie and son Hunter on April 14, 2023 in Dublin, Ireland

(Above) President Joe Biden departs Dublin Airport on Air Force One with his sister Valerie and son Hunter on April 14, 2023 in Dublin, Ireland

(Above) President Joe Biden departs Dublin Airport on Air Force One with his sister Valerie and son Hunter on April 14, 2023 in Dublin, Ireland

‘I can’t wait until we touch down in our ancestral homeland,’ says Joe, getting teary eyed. ‘I’m looking forward to reminiscing with my rugby friends about beating the hell out of those Black and Tans.’

‘Uh, dad. Don’t you mean All Blacks?’ suggests Hunter.

‘Who knows?’ quips the president returning to his comics. ‘I have a lot of research to do before we land.’

Just then a member of the Air Force Two crew arrives with a tray full of chocolate chip ice cream sundaes.

‘World affairs can wait,’ declares the president. ‘The Big Guy’s hungry.’

THE MYSTERY OF THE WHITE HOUSE POWDER

[July 2023: White House residence, second floor guest room]

Wide-eyed Hunter opens his iPhone and starts recording himself. He’s pulling at his handsome hair, anxiety seeping out of every orifice.

‘Someone’s trying to frame me, man. This isn’t my stuff. I never go near those cubbies. Those are for White House staff. I don’t even work!’

The First Lady walks in. ‘Hunter, are you making those weird video confessionals again?’

‘No Jill, god-uh. Can’t I have some privacy?’ whines Hunter.

(Above) Secret Service photo of bag of cocaine discovered in the White House in July 2023

(Above) Secret Service photo of bag of cocaine discovered in the White House in July 2023

(Above) Secret Service photo of bag of cocaine discovered in the White House in July 2023

‘Sure, son. Just as soon as you stop mooching off of us. Maybe move in with your creepy friend Kevin Morris,’ suggests the First Lady. ‘He’s paying your tax bills – maybe he’ll let you crash on the couch?’

‘Jeez Jill, he’s my sobriety coach. Don’t you know anything?’

‘Soo… a bag of drugs were found in a cubbie downstairs,’ she says, changing the subject. ‘You wouldn’t know anything about this, would you, hot shot?’

‘It’s not mine Jill, back off,’ Hunter snaps.

‘I’m just joking, hunny,’ she teases. ‘Anyway, the FBI is going to make this all go away for us.’

HUNTY’S BIG DAY

[June 22, 2023: White House State Dining Room]

‘Where’s Attorney General Merrick Garland?’ asks Hunter, scanning the ballroom. ‘I need to thank him for holding this big party in my honor.’

‘No, Hunter. How many times do I have to tell you?’ says his uncle Jim Biden, shaking his head. ‘This is a State Dinner for Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi.’

‘By the way, I need another loan,’ he pleads under his breath. ‘Aunt Sara and I are making more renovations to the vacation house.’

(Above) Hunter Biden attends State Dinner for Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi

(Above) Hunter Biden attends State Dinner for Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi

(Above) Hunter Biden attends State Dinner for Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi

(Above) Jim Biden, brother of President Joe Biden, and his wife, Sara Biden, attending the State Dinner for South Korea on October 13, 2011,

(Above) Jim Biden, brother of President Joe Biden, and his wife, Sara Biden, attending the State Dinner for South Korea on October 13, 2011,

(Above) Jim Biden, brother of President Joe Biden, and his wife, Sara Biden, attending the State Dinner for South Korea on October 13, 2011,

Hunter looks confused. ‘I thought everyone was here to celebrate my new sweetheart plea deal with the Justice Department?’

‘It’s not everyday that you can lie on a federal firearms form while blowing off millions of dollars in taxes and get away with it,’ Hunter sniffs proudly.

‘Welcome to the family business, nephew,’ says uncle Jim clapping him on the back. ‘Now, about that loan…’

HOT AND BARELY BOTHERED

[August 2023: Rehoboth Beach, Delaware]

‘Dad, did you hear that Hawaii is burning?’ muses Hunter, as he and the President lie on the beach.

‘Well, it’s pretty hot here in Delaware too,’ replies Joe, who is face-down on his lounger.

‘No, I mean the state is literally on fire, Dad. Don’t you think you should fly there and try to offer some help?’

‘And cut my vacation short? Are you crazy?’ says the president turning over to sun his pasty thighs. ‘Besides, I haven’t even gone to East Palestine, Ohio and that town was decimated by a hazardous waste explosion.’

(Above) President Joe Biden in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware on August 2, 2023

(Above) President Joe Biden in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware on August 2, 2023

(Above) President Joe Biden in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware on August 2, 2023

‘I know, Dad, But those are Trump voters. You know, insurrectionists.’

‘Maybe, you’re right, Hunty,’ replies the President. ‘I always say that you’re the smartest out of all of us,’ he concedes, but Hunter isn’t listening.

He’s furiously crafting a WhatsApp message to a powerful member of the Chinese Communist party.

‘I’m sunbathing with my dad, right now!’ Hunter writes. ‘If that money is not in my account by tomorrow, I’ll send you a picture of us in our Speedos.’

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