Simon Cowell broke down in tears as he revealed he felt he ‘had nothing to live for’ after his parents died.
The music mogul, 64, spoke in one of his most open and emotional interviews ever on the Diary of a CEO podcast with Steven Bartlett where he told how after his losses he ‘reached the point where nothing mattered’.
He spoke of his incredible relationships with his mum Julie and dad Eric and the devastation he felt at their passing – before being ‘saved’ when his partner Lauren Silverman, 46, told him she was expecting a baby.
They welcomed their son Eric in 2014 – which Simon said ‘changed everything’ after his mental state reached the ‘lowest level possible’.
He said as he broke down: ‘Before him I had reached the point where nothing mattered. It all hit me so hard. Being on TV I felt like a clown because I was dying inside. I put on loads of weight.
Simon Cowell broke down in tears as he revealed he felt he ‘had nothing to live for’ after his parents died
The music mogul, 64, spoke in one of his most open and emotional interviews ever on the Diary of a CEO podcast where he told how after his losses he ‘reached the point where nothing mattered’ (seen with his dad)
‘If I was going to be hit by a bus the next day – I wasn’t worried about anything like that. The whole time was dark. It was the lowest level. I can relate when people say that being alive doesn’t matter anymore.
‘I thought ‘what have I got to live for’. I didn’t want to take my own life but I thought ‘if something terrible happens to me it wouldn’t bother me’. I do still suffer with depression sometimes.’
He spoke about descending into a deep depression in the midst of his grief and realised that ‘material things meant nothing’.
Simon also became a workaholic to deal with his pain, explaining: ‘After losing them all the material things I had meant nothing.
‘I was on a downward spiral. I was desperately unhappy so I thought I would just become a vampire and I would work till 7am.
‘I got addicted to that lifestyle. I had to find something to fill the loss and I became a workaholic. I was very successful but so unhappy. ‘
On finding out Lauren was pregnant he added: ‘I got the call from Lauren and she said ‘are you sitting down’. That’s how you know it’s something big!
‘And it changed everything. It made me happy again, it was perfect.’
He spoke of his incredible relationships with his mum Julie (seen) and dad Eric and the devastation he felt at their passing
They welcomed their son Eric in 2014 – which Simon said ‘changed everything’ after his mental state reached the ‘lowest level possible’
He said as he broke down: ‘Before him I had reached the point where nothing mattered. It all hit me so hard’
He also went into detail about his dad passing away and how he couldn’t even think about him for a long time after the loss as it was too painful.
Simon said: ‘I was in Germany promoting Westlife and they were doing so well and I called home to tell them the good news and I could just tell something wasn’t right and then my mum told me.
‘At that point in my life I thought my parents would live forever. It was tough. The hardest thing about losing your parents is you can’t think about them afterwards because it’s too difficult.
‘But then a bit later down the line you can and I do talk to my parents in my mind. I still believe they are with me. I would have swapped everything in my life that I had succeeded at to have him back in my life. So much I do now I still think ‘what would dad say about that’.
‘He would have loved to have seen me on TV. Losing both my parents was without a doubt the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.’
After his father passed away his mother suffered with dementia but did get to meet his son Eric before she died.
He then broke down again when he revealed the sweet present his mum gave Eric which he still treasures dearly.
Becoming incredibly emotional he said: ‘I’m so glad she got to see Eric, she really wanted me to have a kid and she brought him this brown blanket and he still has it.
‘And everything is about the blanket he always needs to know where it is. One day he was holding it and he said ‘I’m thinking about grandma and grandpa’ and then I started to believe they are still with us.
He added: ‘If I was going to be hit by a bus the next day – I wasn’t worried about anything like that. The whole time was dark. It was the lowest level. I can relate when people say that being alive doesn’t matter anymore’
He poignantly said: ‘I thought ‘what have I got to live for’. I didn’t want to take my own life but I thought ‘if something terrible happens to me it wouldn’t bother me’
‘It’s not a total loss. They were my best friends. It’s how I feel for Eric it is just pure love.’
He added that when he lost his mum it was the ‘most devastating thing that’s ever happened in his life’.
Simon said: ‘When I lost my mum – because it was so final – it was the most devastating thing that’s ever happened in my life.
‘It was as bad as things could possibly be. We had the most amazing relationship. I looked up to both of them and I could go to both of them when I needed advice and they would be there for me.’
Elsewhere in the wide-ranging interview he also spoke candidly about One Direction – the boy band he formed on X Factor.
He told how he didn’t think they would ever get back together and revealed his biggest regret with them was not owning their band name.
He said: ‘The one thing I regret is I should have owned the name. They own the name. I could have made an animation or something – so if you’re listening One Direction then I will buy it back from you!
‘That was me being very naive. Next time I need to own the name.’
He also spoke of their success and said that as soon as they were on the show he knew they would be huge.
‘It was obvious as soon as they went on the show that they would be really really successful. They were the perfect group. They made a lot of money.’, he admitted.
He also told how he warned them of the dangers of fame in case it wasn’t for them, saying: ‘I told them to never complain about paparazzi because they are going to take your pictures, don’t complain about invasion of privacy because people will always want to have a picture with you, don’t complain about the long hours.
‘I told them if any of the above is going to be a problem then do something else because all this will happen. I told them about the gruelling schedule – it comes with the territory.
‘It just comes with it, you will lose a lot of privacy. If you want to be an accountant you won’t have any of these issues but it won’t be as fun. There has not been a band as good as them since. There was just this glow about them.’
The band were formed on X Factor in 2010. The group was composed of Niall Horan, Liam Payne, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson, and previously Zayn Malik until his departure from the group in March 2015.
Elsewhere in the wide-ranging interview he also spoke candidly about One Direction – the boy band he formed on X Factor
He told how he didn’t think they would ever get back together and revealed his biggest regret with them was not owning their band name (seen in 2013)
Elsewhere in the interview he spoke about having couple’s therapy with Lauren saying it is ‘nothing to be embarrassed about’
He said: ‘I also did couple’s therapy with Lauren – that would make the best reality show on the planet!’
Elsewhere in the interview he spoke about having couple’s therapy with Lauren saying it is ‘nothing to be embarrassed about’.
He first began therapy after his electric bike accident in 2020 where he broke his back in three places.
Simon explained: ‘I first had therapy after accident. It would have been crazy not to talk to an expert. It’s like going to the gym – you feel so good afterwards.
‘It made me feel better. It has had a big impact on me. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. I also did couple’s therapy with Lauren – that would make the best reality show on the planet!’
The Britain’s Got Talent judge proposed to his longtime love Lauren in December 2021, and the couple are currently planning their wedding.
The pair first met in 2004 while on vacation in Barbados, although Silverman was married to businessman Andrew Silverman at the time.
Years later, Cowell and Silverman began quietly seeing each other and in July 2013, PEOPLE confirmed that the couple were expecting a child together and that the Silvermans had filed for divorce.
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