The Aussies really did try everything in their power to intimidate our lovely Lionesses.
Their newspapers sent choppers into the sky to spy on our training sessions. Their fans somehow nicked a chunk of our ticket allocation and infiltrated England’s section in Sydney‘s Stadium Australia. Their pundits reminded everyone who’d listen that, in 37 games, the Matildas were the only team to have beaten the Lionesses under Dutch coach Sarina Wiegman.
And, naturally, when all that fails, the crowd start booing. At pretty much anything, it seems. When we get the ball. When we take corners. And, most particularly, when we score in the 36th minute.
Which is where this commentary is going to start. Because, other than a spattering of nasty fouls, a lot of aggressively swingy ponytails and some appallingly biased refereeing that sent social media into a frenzy, the first 35 minutes aren’t really worth dwelling on.
But when Ella Toone sends her massive piledriver smashing into the top right corner of the net — way over goalie Mackenzie Arnold’s head — the Lionesses come alive.
And so do we.
Roaring success: Keira Walsh, Alex Greenwood, Rachel Daly and Chloe Kelly hug coach Sarina Wiegman after their 3-1 triumph
We did it: Sarina Wiegman celebrates England’s confident march into the final against Spain
Because after a summer of crushing sporting disappointments — some of us are still reeling from the netball — millions of English fans, in sitting rooms, pubs, bars and stadia around the world, are suddenly faced with the horror of hope.
We don’t care that the next ten minutes or so up to half-time are bitty and messy. Or that the play never quite flows. Or that some of our passing is a bit dodgy.
We’re far too busy changing plans. Cancelling things. Blanking out Sunday morning so we can watch the final.
In fact, we don’t even really register when the Matildas bounce back with renewed vim and vigour after half-time. (Presumably, Aussie manager Tony Gustavsson, finally stopped fussing with his lovely hair to dish out a proper rollocking in the dressing room.)
But we do notice — very much — when, in the 63rd minute, Sam Kerr puts Australia right back in the game with an incredible drive, from a distance that even ‘Magic’ Mary Earps can’t handle. And, once again, pubs, bars and sofas around the country fall quiet.
Because we feel like fools — for hoping. For dreaming that our women could do what our men, since the triumph of 1966, never quite can: break their semi-final curse — they were knocked out at this point in both the 2015 and 2019 World Cups — and march into a World Cup final.
So perhaps now’s as good a time as any to pause and reflect on the brighter things.
Such as how brilliant it is that women’s football is finally catching up. That the 75,000-capacity stadium is rammed. That we all care so much. That despite being quite a lot smaller than men, our plucky women goalies have not insisted on a smaller goal. And that our amazing Lionesses are finally getting paid better and rewarded with blingy sponsorship deals.
But also, perhaps, to celebrate the fact that, as women, naturally they’re brilliant multi-taskers.
So not just exceptionally talented players — look at Alessia Russo’s finishing, Lucy Bronze’s extraordinary talent, Lauren Hemp’s terrier-like commitment, and the way Earps makes save after massive save! (Could it really be true that Nike didn’t bother making a replica Earps goalie shirt because they thought no one would want one?)
But, on top of all that, they somehow all manage to look totally bloody amazing, for the full 96 minutes.
I know, I know! As a woman, I shouldn’t go on about their looks — putting back the cause 50 years, and all that.
But fair’s fair. We all had plenty to say about Jack Grealish’s deliciously sculpted calves in Qatar and, well, everything about Jude Bellingham. So I am going to risk a very quick mention of all those swishy ponytails, finely-honed thighs and expertly curated eyebrows. Could there be a more attractive football team? Or, for that matter, a more dogged one.
The Matildas are out: Rachel Daly jumps for joy with England goalkeeper Mary Earps
Jubilant: Keira Walsh and ex England star Jill Scott celebrate the historic win
World class: Georgia Stanway with goal scorer Lauren Hemp
Because Millie Bright’s team might not have always played total football over recent weeks but, unlike Colombia, they’re still here. And as we digress on ponytails and thighs, they’re fighting back with some great football just minutes after Australia’s crushing equaliser. And, yes, goals galore.
First, Hemp sneaks the ball though the defence in the 71st minute and smashes it home — leaving smiley England coach Sarina Wiegman jumping high for joy on the sidelines, while the Aussie’s poor old Gustavsson crouches low in despair, head in hands. Then, 15 minutes later, Hemp sets up golden girl Russo, who does her stuff from the edge of the box with such a fantastic one-touch right-footer that we can suddenly all understand why her boots are on display in the Tower of London.
And, well, that’s it. We’re through to the finals of the World Cup. Yes, England in the final.
And, you know, the really funny thing? It all felt weirdly easy and surprisingly stress free. Almost — dare I say it — enjoyable to watch. So roll on Sunday, because I think they’re going to do it and, for once, we might not all be watching from behind the sofa.
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