Jake Gyllenhaal’s ‘Road House’ Remake Is All Fight and No Fun

Road House earns 2.5 stars (out of 4) from Us Weekly movie critic Mara Reinstein.

Confirmed: The original Road House is not an untouchable piece of art. Starring Patrick Swayze as a Missouri bar bouncer with a mullet and a violent streak to match, this is the blessedly brainless ’80s movie to watch on a long-haul flight when trying to pass the time. Spinning it into something fresh and fun for 2024 shouldn’t be difficult.

So why is the remake so grueling to watch? Even with a game Jake Gyllenhaal in the lead?!

Perhaps the predictable twists, one-dimensional characters and distracting CGI are to blame. Or that the climactic action sequence is set way outside the roadhouse bar … and in a speedboat on the water. But that’s all too easy. The big problem is that though Gyllenhaal brings his enviable screen presence (and boasts abs that would make any Ken jealous), Road House ultimately devolves into a Serious Movie and demands the audience to treat it as such. Bloody no!

In both versions, plot should be thrown out the window along with the bad guys. Here goes anyway: Gyllenhaal is totally credible as Elwood Dalton, a former UFC middleweight on the downswing because of a shady incident that ended his career. (Post Malone plays one of his ready-to-rumble opponents.) His reputation attracts the attention of a woman named Frankie (Jessica Williams). She owns a roadhouse in the sunny Florida Keys named, um, Road House. But her establishment keeps getting menaced by a bunch of motorcycle-riding goons. She needs Dalton. And he needs the lofty $20k-a-month salary.

At first, dropkicking the biker gang is a breezy day at the beach. In a too-rare light moment, Dalton casually asks the dudes about dental insurance and for the location of the closest hospital before going all UFC on them. (He ends up piling them into his car and driving to the ER with a Beach Boys song blaring on the radio.) He soon realizes they’re all just minions. Villain No. 1 is Ben Brandt (Billy Magnussen), a power player desperate for the keys to the Road House so he can please his offscreen jailed father and develop the property. So, basically, an obnoxious and controlling tech bro in any other action movie.

Because Brandt has corrupted the local police and few would dare to care about greedy real-estate holdings in the Sunshine State, it’s up to Dalton to protect the Road House and save the town from all these bullies.

Dalton also finds time to fall for an ER doctor (Daniela Melchior) who strongly disapproves of him strong-arming the wrong crowd. With a lack of chemistry and passion, the romance — ostensibly just one kiss — serves zero purpose except to remind audiences this intimidating bouncer is still dealing with some vague trauma. What a wasted opportunity to make worthy use out of Gyllenhaal in brawny action-hero mode.

Road House ’89, of course, has its own issues. (There’s a reason it only became a cult classic years later.) But its sweaty, rough-and-tumble action scenes made up for the lack of substance. Most of the fights in this 2.0 version were obviously created on a fancy computer — and carry little emotional punch. (This, even though Dalton refrains from guns and knives and exclusively fights with his fists!) Less is more: There’s no need to endure the rigamarole of low-rent explosions and a crocodile attack and that boat chase when it’s much more satisfying to see the confident Dalton extol his knowledge about the anatomy of the human body and then disarming a man’s finger so he can’t pull a trigger.

Not even the second-half entrance of Conor McGregor’s Knox — an ultra-violent henchman hellbent on killing Dalton once and for all — can liven up these workmanlike proceedings. The MMA champ is neither frightening or silly-cartoonish in his big-screen debut; to be fair, the character is written as he were a cast-off from a Fast & Furious entry.

Road House recently made headlines because director Doug Liman was incensed that the studio decided to skip a theatrical release and go straight to streaming on Prime Video. Considering his resume includes the truly entertaining Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Edge of Tomorrow, The Bourne Identity and Go, the move seemed like a misguided mistake. Now it makes sense. Don’t beat yourself up for skipping it.

Road House streams on Prime Video Thursday, March 21.