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The 20 Premier League managers – ranked by how hard they are

Oh man, Jurgen Klopp squaring up to Sean Dyche at half-time of Liverpool’s 1-0 defeat at home to Burnley brought the best feeling out of everyone – childishness.

Football is many about things: escapism, passion, ecstasy, but most importantly, watching grown men act like kids.

Wait, what was that Scott? Oh right, we once ranked every Premier League manager by how hard they were. But that was a long time ago – there’s been a pandemic and we’ve moved to a fancy new site since – and we need a refresher.

So let’s rank the current 20 Premier League managers by how hard they are.

Roy HodgsonRoy Hodgson
Here comes trouble | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

Height: 5’10
Strength: Nope
Weakness: Yep

Poor Roy. Reminds you of your sweet granddad. But granddads aren’t hard, and would lose every scrap they were ever involved in.

Brendan RodgersBrendan Rodgers
Time to show some real character | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 5’7
Strength: Deceiving smile
Weakness: Deceiving lack of height

Do not approach this man. Or do, you could probably take him.

Mikel ArtetaMikel Arteta
Arteta’s hair is just *too* perfect | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 5’9
Strength: If his Lego head got destroyed, he could simply replace it with another
Weakness: Lego tariffs have gone up after Brexit

Being a connoisseur of turtleneck sweaters isn’t hard. I should know – I have about 12 of them.

Ole Gunnar SolskjaerOle Gunnar Solskjaer
Just happy to be here | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 5’10
Strength: Too crazy for boy’s town
Weakness: Too much of a boy for crazy town

Boys will be boys, eh!

Carlo AncelottiCarlo Ancelotti
Don’t give me that look, Carlo | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 5’10
Strength: Was probably tough in his heyday
Weakness: That was like 100 years ago

Don Carlo would be fine if he had a position of authority with little physical action. That’s tough.

PhwoarrrrrPhwoarrrrr
Phwoarrrrr | Alex Pantling/Getty Images

Height: 6’1
Strength: Teenage heartthrob
Weakness: He’s literally David Moyes

Just because all men want to be with you and all women want to be with you doesn’t make you hard, Dave.

Pep GuardiolaPep Guardiola
Hehe, it looks like he’s wearing that Arsene Wenger coat | Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

Height: 5’11
Strength: Impossible for him to be grabbed by the hair
Weakness: Has a head ripe for slapping

Trust me, I gave it a bloody good go trying not to make a bald joke. Mother nature will probably get me back someday, but not today.

FBL-ENG-PR-LEEDS-BRIGHTONFBL-ENG-PR-LEEDS-BRIGHTON
Yes, headmaster | MICHAEL REGAN/Getty Images

Height: 6’1
Strength: Experiencing the harsh winters of Sweden have toughened him
Weakness: Experiencing the harsh off-shore winds of Brighton have softened him

There’s a cap on how high a man called ‘Graham’ can be placed on this list.

Scott ParkerScott Parker
This colour clash…our survey says – EGH EGH | Clive Rose/Getty Images

Height: 5’9
Strength: World famous The Streets tribute act
Weakness: This isn’t The X Factor, pal

Scott Parker likes wearing two-tone suits. That won’t fly round these parts.

Looking like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2Looking like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2
Looking like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2 | Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

Height: 5’9
Strength: The dirtiest fighter in the game
Weakness: We have VAR now

The strongest weak fighter or the weakest strong fighter? Either way, serial winner Jose Mourinho will have to settle for 11th place here.

Steve BruceSteve Bruce
The real pigeon lady from Home Alone 2 | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: Gargantuan
Weakness: Gargantuan lack of agility

Big Brucey baby could hold his own, but he’s not going to trouble the (metaphorical and physical) big boys.

Frank LampardFrank Lampard
CHELSEA! CHELSEA! CHELSEA! CHELSEA! CHELSEA! | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: Frightens Liam Twomey
Weakness: Might not be a Premier League manager for much longer

“I fancy meself in a scrap, think I could show these fellas a thing or two! …No but seriously, I think it will be a tough ask and I’d do well to get the three points.”

Dean SmithDean Smith
Trust me, there aren’t many pictures of ‘Dean Smith’ out there | Clive Mason/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: Proper Brummie
Weakness: Proper Brummie accent

One of my best friends used to play for Dean Smith. Confirms he’s hard.

Marcelo BielsaMarcelo Bielsa
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Spy In Derby County’s Bushes | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: Has in-depth reports on every other manager
Weakness: Would be knocked out by the time he’s done reading

Marcelo Bielsa once confronted angry fans outside his home while holding a grenade. That’s pretty hard, but what does he know about fisticuffs?

Nuno Espirito SantoNuno Espirito Santo
What a cuddly man | Shaun Botterill/Getty Images

Height: 6’2
Strength: Great big bushy beard
Weakness: Easy to grapple

Did you guys know Nuno was Porto’s backup goalkeeper when Mourinho was in charge? Bet you’ve never tuned into a Wolves game and heard that before!

Anyway, sixth.

Sam AllardyceSam Allardyce
The biggest of Sams | Matthew Ashton – AMA/Getty Images

Height: 6’3
Strength: Could drink his weight in gravy
Weakness: That’d probably compromise him

When Mourinho was asked in the mid-to-late 2000s which Premier League manager he would least like to fight, his answer was a simple one: “Big Sam!”

Jurgen KloppJurgen Klopp
Put it back on, Jurgen | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 6’4
Strength: Can be proper moody after a loss
Weakness: Everyone’s sussed that by now

How to beat Jurgen Klopp in a fight: let him beat your team while you try and play expansive attacking football so he’s happy.

Unfortunately, Liverpool haven’t been winning much recently.

Chris WilderChris Wilder
Eyes on the prize – the lowest points record | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: Everyone from Sheffield is HARD
Weakness: Definitely calls lunch ‘dinner’, and dinner ‘tea’

Do you know how hard you have to be to consistently rile up the manager of the Premier League champions while your own side are the worst team of all time? Klopp’s clearly threatened by big Chrissy Wilder.

Ralph HasenhuttlRalph Hasenhuttl
Big girls don’t cry, Ralph | Robin Jones/Getty Images

Height: 6’3
Strength: Sheer size
Weakness: Always crying

On a scale from one to Daniel Farke, Hasenhuttl’s voice isn’t that un-intimidating. But it’s enough to cost him a few points at the top.

Sean DycheSean Dyche
TIME TO PLAY THE GAME | Pool/Getty Images

Height: 6’0
Strength: In large amounts
Weakness: Worms

Sean Dyche famously doesn’t care for the Grand Canyon – the only rock formation he cares about is 4-4-f******-2.

Once he leaves Burnley, he’s going to take up the role of bodyguard for the Queen. That’s a 90min exclusive for free.

For more from Sean Walsh, follow him on Twitter!

Source: 90mins

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